Deeper

“Delight yourself in the Lord and 

He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Psalm 37:4, sounds familiar right? Probably you have memorized for a long time and so was I.

From the New International Reader's Version (NIRV):

"Find your delight in the Lord. Then He will 

give you everything your heart really wants." (emphasis added)

I have known the verse (the NIV one) for a long time, and I have memorized it because I often hear it, from preachers, friends and family in Christ. Back then, when I was still a baby in faith, I view that stated verse materially—that if I acknowledge first God’s kingdom, then He will give me everything I wanted. For years of just attending church intermittently, my comprehension of what David has said is very limited to my hopes and my dreams. It seem like I attend church to test God and seek Him for MY OWN benefits. Yet thank God for his mercy, I wasn’t stuck up with that worldly knowledge. As I hear more of His voice during Sundays and gatherings and as I read more of His words before sleeping for years, unconsciously I understand more of what he really says.

Deeper. I have to think beyond what the text says as I said to myself. As God continues to deal with me with this verse repeatedly, I prayed. And what happened next? He revealed to me what Psalm 37:4 really means. Okay. God is faithful and He keeps His promises that once we delight in Him, He’ll give us what we want. but behind his words lies a greater meaning—once we delight in him, once we enjoy His presence, once we find unexplainable gladness in His authority, we are unknowingly being turned into someone who desires nothing but God. As we seek Him earnestly and then find Him, He gives us peace, joy and love that we don’t wanna let go. Our heart’s desires are then changed, changed to His desire for us. More to this, our heart’s desire turns out to be God himself, making Him become everything we want. He is the sole satisfaction of this life. And this is what should happen—to seek and have more of God into our lives, to please Him and obey Him by having His way for us.

Check this video for a song  entitled "The More I seek You" by Kari Jobe:

Election Meddler 1: Must be a Role Model

Years have passed that I don’t have any concern or anything against these words: COMELEC, governor, senator, platforms, bribes, votes and rights. What I am talking about, obviously, is election. Now that the election is drawing near, I am somehow bothered of whom to elect. Thinking that I am at the legal age to vote and is registered to practice my right, I found myself in front of a store staring at the wall with numerous posters of the candidates running for various positions.

Lately, since it was summer, I was kinda busy for myself at home—reading the same books, sweeping the fallen dried leaves, cooking rice through woods, etc. It was then that a familiar sound with unfamiliar lyrics played loud enough to be heard in our house. Then by one o two of those poster-persons somehow came to life to greet me a good day, offering their hands for some shake and giving some pieces of paper with their name on it. Oh, campaign days: disquieting.

One morning I was happily walking, I think I’m going to buy some breakfast that day when I encountered a bunch of yellow politicians (they wear yellow shirts which look the same). One politician caught my attention. Not to mention his full name, he is known in our town. I don’t know why, but I recognized him immediately. Maybe he runs for some political positions frequently. Apparently, he wore a yellow shirt with prints of his party plus a vest-like thing with multiple names on it too. The problem is not his attire, no his smile or way of communicating to people. What caught my attention is the smoke coming from his mouth brought by the thing he has in his fingers—a cigarette. It’s a free country anyway. People can do whatever they want, whatever gives them pleasure. And since the country is a democratic one, people are free to choose who will rule them. And the youth, which is the next generation, can elect persons like him—the cigarette councilor.

I guess in every politician platforms, there is something to gain the vote of my generation that is pro-youth. And I also think that politicians must be models, being what they want in the future. Connection? As for me, people must not focus on the benefits that a politician is promising. Yes, benefits are good but personality is to be examined. I don’t know how to elaborate things yet because it will be my first time to vote, I want to be responsible for the consequences of my right.

Thinking that I am at the legal age to vote and is registered to practice my right, I found myself again, staring at the same wall with numerous posters of the candidates running for various position and I would like to hear them speak and watch them act, not in a campaign activity but in normal days like how they do something in their respective family and neighborhood.

Y?

It was this week that I wanted to write about so many things. Well, as for me, my emotions, my mood affect my feeling to write. When I'm in mood, I wrote about bliss and positive things and when I'm not? Then it's a "NO". As in my output is somehow pessimistic. And this night, I’ve already posted two of the many thoughts I wanted to put into words. Honestly, I can still remember them all, yet the feelings for those two notions remained, the others were not retained.

This night, I don’t know what I am feeling. I wanted to explode, to burst and yet I wanted to be quiet. I wanted to scream whispers. I wanted to shout quietly…very ironic of me. I’m not, once again, “emo” as people term it. I was just a normal individual who have senses in which the outlet are words. It’s true that no matter how loquacious you are, there are things you just can’t say or maybe there no words to express its degree. Frankly, I’m feeling unhappy. I’m thinking about this lately: Am I just happier a while ago or is there something that didn’t get my way? Am I acting fake a while ago or what? Am I crazy? Hopefully and truthfully, no!

I don’t know if someone feels what I am feeling now. It’s like there’s something that bothers me that I still can’t figure out. And it is just a normal day. Probably, I was exhausted physically, mentally or emotionally rather. I can’t say. I just wanted words to come out and unload the inner me.

Circle encircles the earth—flyleaf lyrics. Circle, never ending…never elevating. Things go repetitively. I should get used to those, to these I guess. Yet there still an element of me that yearns for hope, that one day God will wipe away the tears. And that the greatest hope I can contentedly have is in the life after the earthly life. Those who knew me will understand me. Those who are not, in time, they will. What makes me feel like this? It’s about kin and wholeness and my very own outlook.

Tomorrow will be another day. There are always tomorrow.

been thinking about EXPECTATIONS...

Expectations. I wanna tackle about “expectations.” What is the reason behind this topic? What’s so controversial about it? It’s a gift! As I wish, it is a gift. It is what the people around are freely giving me. Are those expectations really for free?

I think it was last week when I managed to answer some sort of questions concerning about my college life. I was asked by a nearby family friend together with her daughter. Since we are somehow like neighbors, they do know me and of course had a hint of my academic life.

Her daughter, Camille, is now in her junior year in high school. From my evaluation, she is serious in her studies, really diligent. She still belongs to the known Science section of the school which I graduated from. Plus, she gets along to have high grades and be with the overall top twenty every grading period. She was just like the old me! (Grins.) well her mother asked me if I have a review center back then, if I took the UPCAT and what courses are easy and “in” nowadays. Camille asked how I ended up being in the college of engineering. Well then, I shared some points and few stories of 5W’s and H. Wanna know my reply to her mother? “None,” “ o,” “  can’t say…” are the answers to the mother’s questions above, respectively. Then we just exchange various notions about other related things. What struck me during our conversation (between the mother and I) is what she said, “Buti ikaw matalino…” then said to her daughter “Gayahin mo si ate Shary, masipag mag-aral, matalino...” It was like the inner me revolted when I heard those group of words. She also checked my academic status these days by asking, “Balita ko nasa top ka din ah, easy lang sayo ang course mo…” WHAAAAT??!! It did blew up my mind, not only my mind…I mean the whole me that momentarily I became speechless! First, she gave me a flattering remark that I was like a brainiac. Okay. Then she let me be a guide, a role model to her daughter in terms of studying acts. There is nothing wrong with these things but… I don’t know! And checking on my acad stats? Woah! Where in the WWW (whole wide world) she got that news or is it just her idea that I belonged to the upper percentage academically? Those words really brought me, in engineering terms a “force over area.” And it didn’t end in that dialogue. After I defended myself (that it was not like that, that I was just a normal student striving hard to maintain her scholarship and a person struggling to have a balance life, that it’s not easy as they thought  that it’s not…blah-blah-blah..), she added “…kaunting panahon na lang naman, pag-graduate mo, isang take mo lang ng board, pipirma ka na lang..” Until now I still remember the very words she said and what she’s trying to imply marked my mind. She surely didn’t know a thing—what it feels like hearing those unjustified compliments. Guess what? She’s not the only one who asked me like that.

That parent is just one of those persons who view me a role model to the youth in our community. There were many of them that I every time I go home, persons of familiar faces asks me, checks me over and over again and when I just smile at them or answer them positively, they’ll put up compliments and accolades for me. Once more, there’s nothing wrong with those but repeatedly and too much of those? It’s not good, really, not good. It’s causing me too much “force over area” or simply PRESSURE in engineering terms. Unconsciously, I asked myself’ “Ako lang kaya ang nakaka-feel ng ganito or my iba pang katulad ko?” Is there anybody out there who feels the same with expectations? (Sighs.) It’s too much pressure that I don’t know if I should be perfect because it’s like their eyes are always upon me. May I fail? May I make a mistake? For a week, the word “expectation” did trouble me.

Yes. I accepted it already. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force them to stop those talks. I can’t complain and even though I could, I won’t. For some time, I wish I was not controversial, that I was just a nobody to everybody. But then again, I’m here. What am I gonna do? Look at life positively. Look at expectations as a launcher. View those flattering and unjustified remarks as a plunger which will push to excel more, a force that will press me to do the “must” things. Use those as reminder to my priorities. Yet, one thing will remain. I will still be me. I won’t let people dictate or mold me into a new me without bliss. I will not let my true self be forgotten. I would rather be shaped by God and what he wants me to be because I know He knows the best and He wants the best for me and that He’ll help me reach that best. No matter what your comments are, I trust Him. I am certain that whenever I’ll fall, He will catch me.

Appreciating Immaturity

''If they were just to realize…'' as I said to myself.

March 1, 2013. I’ve witnessed a grade school party, a post-valentine party which was like a high school promenade. And I can say that I have a few comments about that event.

First and foremost, Philippines is not poor. There are many little girls, well I think almost all of them, who wore pretty and costly gowns—gowns of different color, texture and fluffiness. The little boys are also at their best vests and suits with matching naughty hairstyles. Second? The parents who are full of effort on being like somewhat PA’s (personal alalays) of their prettiest and handsomest child in the whole wide universe, parents who are much more excited to dance than their children, parents who manages to smile for their children in the middle of  scorching heat. Third and the last thing I've observe and want to elaborate is the little girls who didn’t act like their age.

They didn’t act their age not in the manner that they are acting childish because they were, still, children. They didn’t act their age because they act like mature one especially the girls. They act like they are teenagers. They are much more concern about their appearances—the make-up, the jewelries, the dress. In the manner they eat, everyone can see their finesse, which is not wrong of course.

What am I complaining? None. I’m not feeling envy.

The girls… They act like they’re teens, mature enough to handle things.

Thinking about that, I saw myself years ago. I watch those kids, those girls as if I’m watching myself. During those times, I wanted the time to pass by quickly so that I can be at the right age. Then my guardians could allow me to do the things I wanted to do. Then I would be able to decide for myself, and then I would, finally, be happy. And that’s what I thought.

                                                                               

Good for me, time didn't go by fast. As I grow, I realized that right things come in place when you learn how to wait. And deciding? It’s hard, for every choice has its respective outcome. Yes, there maybe regrets. I can say that I didn't live my life grade school life to its full, enjoying things such as playing, having intimate group of friends—living a youngster life without worries, without problems, without anxiety. I should have enjoyed those times. But still, I’m thankful that I have come to think and realize of these thoughts I’m writing now. If I were not, then I don’t have anything to write, to observe to notice, and to comment about. Well, seriously, if I were not, I wouldn't have learned. I wouldn't have anything to share with kids to enjoy every time they had. I wouldn't have comprehended playful and mischievous kids around me.

For now, I appreciate the time I have for it can never be turn back, once passed. It can never be bought nor be created .it can only be used efficiently—not having regrets. Things come perfectly when there’s patience. This time is appropriate for my priorities: God, family, ministry and studies. God knows my need and I know He’ll give me what I deserve at the perfect time.

I hope these girls and boys enjoy their early days. I anticipate that these kids, in their upbringing, do what they want and just be themselves. They don’t have to be too excited with the future that they’re acting like mature individuals. They have to learn how to breathe. They gotta learn how to pray quietly, to cry when necessary, to laugh uncontrollably and to live with bliss till infinity.

“Now, I realized…” as I said to myself.

Onomatopoeic

Time to write!!!

I was on a jeepney a while ago, eventually on my way home. What’s common to the passengers aside from their bags, purses and android phones? It’s their “snob-like attitude.” How can I say that? Well it’s because I am one of them.

I think I’m snobbish..yeah snobbish but not arrogant. First of all is that I don’t know who are my seatmates or co-passengers. Times are rare when I have with me by mishap a friend or a familiar face whom I can chat with and even though I have, I’ll choose not to talk with them especially if they’re not going to approach first. Snobbish?  No, not really. An excuse it is: I don't want to suddenly open up a topic that may not please the people around me or unconsciously be misinterpreted by someone who might knew the the very  subject of the matter which I might talk about. With the universal accessory of humans nowadays—headset or earphones—I travel. Never a day or a time that I travel without this so a while ago, I’ve got to question myself why.

Aside from the boisterous sound of the jeepney’s motor every time it goes an upward hill or a curvilinear motion, there is also one thing I hate about being in a travel—the passengers who almost narrates his or her life… persons who talks about other people’s lives… people who babble about a person’s doing and state of life, humans who continuously and unconsciously have envy in their hearts.

I am not generalizing the whole humanity but as I observed, most people are not contented with their lives, instead they focus on his/her co-creations. I may not know who is the person or family they are pertaining but as I put myself into as their subject, it’s not good nor better... The feeling is not at its greatest. It’s awkward and notably annoying when they are talking in a pessimistic way about you. Maybe, that’s why I put on earphones and have its sound reach to the point that I will not understand what their conversation is about. I also choose not to look at those people because I tend to lip-read what they are saying.

Maybe this side of me never changed—a person who realized that she hates fame. Fame? This won’t let you live forever. This will once teach you how to soar high but when crabs see you, they’ll devour your wings with their fiery thoughts and pointed tongues. They are gonna talk about your triumph with a opposite motives in their hearts. And as you soar high, these crabs are just waiting for AN error to bring you down. This is the nature of man. And I kinda felt it back when I was young, but not on the maximum extent. Anyways, why am I talking about fame when I am writing about being snob? Weird thoughts.

Perhaps, this is the reason why sometimes I don’t want to excel in things. I don’t want to be famous and to be a subject. I don’t want people to talk behind my back. As my thought weighs thoughts inside of my mind, I have to try my best in everything I do so that people will not talk about flaws and curses. Ooops! As I said earlier I am not making all the humans in general of this mentality. I was just being me, observing those, hopefully, FEW anonymous faces I’ve encountered while riding in a jeepney… enjoying my playlist. 

TARPAULIN

             Ooops, sorry for the title. I think I’m making this like an MMK story and this is not one.

 I’ve been on a travel the past days. Every Sunday afternoon I go back to Lucban, Quezon for academic purposes and every Friday I go home—in Magdalena, Laguna. This is my routine. And from Laguna to Quezon or Quezon to Laguna, on either way (via Pagsanjan or Majayay), one thing is common. It’s not the air, the sceneries nor the climate. It’s the big print of pictures on the road. It’s the Christmas and New Year’s greetings of those smiling people making themselves familiar in the public eye. It’s those programs they endorse whether it’s a free check up program or some sort of announcement. I don’t sound irritated…am I? I don’t know but those campaign materials or what they call “tarpaulin” somehow, were pissing me off.

Well I don’t have problems with those persons nor their greetings. Thanks to their thoughtfulness by their very warm greetings, warm because the election is coming soon. S what’s my complaint here? Well their names and initials—initials which emphasizes the position they’ll run for—are so much bigger than their greetings. Their names’ font sizes are much larger than the event they are endorsing. Their smiles showing their very clean teeth or their cutest eyes are the same, male and female candidates. Their faces almost covered half of the wall-sized tarpaulins along the way. By the way, it helps. Yeah, it helps the people remember those faces and names which are surely rich. Well, they can afford to have their tarpaulins and what-so-ever post in numbers in a town, a district, a province, a region, anywhere else in the country.

What’s making me sad is that they didn’t realize the real thing. What if the money used for making those large print-outs is given to the people in need? What if, though not in good intentions, they help people around them—the street children, the beggars…families which strive so hard to earn a living, to eat at least once a day. What if they try to win people’s hearts by showing generosity? Those people, with faces being popularized along the road, wish to enter the government…for what? To take back all the money they have used in campaign? To earn fame? Or to serve people? They wish to be included in a government of the people, by the people and for the people yet we, the people, can now see who deserves to be elected. We, the people should be observant and view the real motives behind a person’s doings. We, the people, should focus on the long term goals not on those smiling-faces, money-wasting persons who always promise to serve. Well, to serve their own goods.

I am not actually on a movement or anti-politician movement. This is just me, expressing my inner notions and ideas to the world I live in. it’s a free country after all. Maybe, I am just too excited or too eager to vote—a right for my rights. Seriously, I don’t know why I am writing these things but one thing I know is that these matters make sense. ^_^