been thinking about EXPECTATIONS...

Expectations. I wanna tackle about “expectations.” What is the reason behind this topic? What’s so controversial about it? It’s a gift! As I wish, it is a gift. It is what the people around are freely giving me. Are those expectations really for free?

I think it was last week when I managed to answer some sort of questions concerning about my college life. I was asked by a nearby family friend together with her daughter. Since we are somehow like neighbors, they do know me and of course had a hint of my academic life.

Her daughter, Camille, is now in her junior year in high school. From my evaluation, she is serious in her studies, really diligent. She still belongs to the known Science section of the school which I graduated from. Plus, she gets along to have high grades and be with the overall top twenty every grading period. She was just like the old me! (Grins.) well her mother asked me if I have a review center back then, if I took the UPCAT and what courses are easy and “in” nowadays. Camille asked how I ended up being in the college of engineering. Well then, I shared some points and few stories of 5W’s and H. Wanna know my reply to her mother? “None,” “ o,” “  can’t say…” are the answers to the mother’s questions above, respectively. Then we just exchange various notions about other related things. What struck me during our conversation (between the mother and I) is what she said, “Buti ikaw matalino…” then said to her daughter “Gayahin mo si ate Shary, masipag mag-aral, matalino...” It was like the inner me revolted when I heard those group of words. She also checked my academic status these days by asking, “Balita ko nasa top ka din ah, easy lang sayo ang course mo…” WHAAAAT??!! It did blew up my mind, not only my mind…I mean the whole me that momentarily I became speechless! First, she gave me a flattering remark that I was like a brainiac. Okay. Then she let me be a guide, a role model to her daughter in terms of studying acts. There is nothing wrong with these things but… I don’t know! And checking on my acad stats? Woah! Where in the WWW (whole wide world) she got that news or is it just her idea that I belonged to the upper percentage academically? Those words really brought me, in engineering terms a “force over area.” And it didn’t end in that dialogue. After I defended myself (that it was not like that, that I was just a normal student striving hard to maintain her scholarship and a person struggling to have a balance life, that it’s not easy as they thought  that it’s not…blah-blah-blah..), she added “…kaunting panahon na lang naman, pag-graduate mo, isang take mo lang ng board, pipirma ka na lang..” Until now I still remember the very words she said and what she’s trying to imply marked my mind. She surely didn’t know a thing—what it feels like hearing those unjustified compliments. Guess what? She’s not the only one who asked me like that.

That parent is just one of those persons who view me a role model to the youth in our community. There were many of them that I every time I go home, persons of familiar faces asks me, checks me over and over again and when I just smile at them or answer them positively, they’ll put up compliments and accolades for me. Once more, there’s nothing wrong with those but repeatedly and too much of those? It’s not good, really, not good. It’s causing me too much “force over area” or simply PRESSURE in engineering terms. Unconsciously, I asked myself’ “Ako lang kaya ang nakaka-feel ng ganito or my iba pang katulad ko?” Is there anybody out there who feels the same with expectations? (Sighs.) It’s too much pressure that I don’t know if I should be perfect because it’s like their eyes are always upon me. May I fail? May I make a mistake? For a week, the word “expectation” did trouble me.

Yes. I accepted it already. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force them to stop those talks. I can’t complain and even though I could, I won’t. For some time, I wish I was not controversial, that I was just a nobody to everybody. But then again, I’m here. What am I gonna do? Look at life positively. Look at expectations as a launcher. View those flattering and unjustified remarks as a plunger which will push to excel more, a force that will press me to do the “must” things. Use those as reminder to my priorities. Yet, one thing will remain. I will still be me. I won’t let people dictate or mold me into a new me without bliss. I will not let my true self be forgotten. I would rather be shaped by God and what he wants me to be because I know He knows the best and He wants the best for me and that He’ll help me reach that best. No matter what your comments are, I trust Him. I am certain that whenever I’ll fall, He will catch me.