The Life I Never Dreamed Of.

Life always contains the word 'maybe'.

The title maybe taken positively or negatively depending on the type of person who will take it in.

Maybe, it's a life you never dreamed of because it was too good or maybe it is too bad - like the life you never wanted it to be.

But the thing is life on earth is temporary and so are the things that we desire.

As for me, I desire to travel in places that will make me feel more alive and amazed, new paths that will make me want to go excited. I want my eyes to see and feel new things. Or maybe, I only desire to be reciprocated. Maybe I want to travel because others do. Or maybe, I just want this because I am afraid to be the last in line when it comes to visiting new places. Maybe I just want my hard work to payoff.

As for me, I desire to have a perfect wedding. Just like any other girls out there, I desire to be, somehow, be a one-day princess. I want my dream wedding to come true...with these and with that...the plans in my mind. When I watch wedding videos, I seldom not cry. I cry, yes, because of the love vows, or maybe I cry because I was jealous and impatient...Jealous that they had their dream beach or something-interesting-theme wedding come true, jealous that I won't have mine anyway because of my incapacity. I get impatient and sadly embraces in my head the lowered-standard notion of wedding - the usual one, the one I never dreamed.

As for me, I want my own house and car. But I always got this thought in my head that I won't have it anyway, so why dream of it. Some people are just born with money and inheritances. Some people of my age are daughters/sons of businessmen. They are more fortunate. They can have what I want easily. That some people are born rich. Their parents have stable jobs. Work is not an obligation to them. Some are born properly and they are not breadwinners.

Surely, you can tell me that there's nothing wrong with I want. But event after acquiring/achieving all that. Now what/ What's the next thing I will chase? What's the next thing I will acquire?

A never ending cycle of wants.
Satisfaction will be removed from dictionaries.
It will be obsolete, as though it never existed...never will.

I am 23 years of age. Am I normal to be thinking these??
Or maybe I am just overthinking.
Overthinking of things I cannot and won't be able to handle myself.
Or maybe I am just tired of giving.
Giving and giving and just giving?
Maybe I just get too focused on these things, things that won't last forever.
Maybe, it's destined to be not handled all by myself.

Maybe this is my fate.
Yes, it is the life I never dreamed of.

Same with Joseph, the Dreamer.
Almost killed by his own brothers and sold to be a slave.
Lived in the dark dungeon for so long and yet still cursing his God

And so was Jesus' life.
He never intended to die for sinners like you and me.
But He let the things handled by His Father.
He let His creator's will prevail.


Maybe it's the life I never dreamed of.
Since life on earth is just nothing compared to eternity, I'd rather rest.
I'd rather not fret and be consumed worrying of the things I cannot handle.

Maybe I just stop driving my own life and give to the one who really have the key, the speed and the fuel.

Tonight I cried for the things I never dreamed of.
I cried for the things I cannot possibly reached alone.
I will stop comparing myself to others.
I will stop thinking that my story is the same as others.

This moment, I will learn to embrace the life I never dreamed of but is the life God always wanted.

Dream

I had a dream.

I had a dream of travelling in a place I want to be.
But I don’t know the place.
I don’t know how I got there.
Everywhere I look there is light.
There is joy.
Then I heard a sound from the sea, like the sound of waves in the shore.
It is peace.
The birds singing as the leaves dance - making a great harmony.
Hope.
Then the light became darkness.
The sky dimmed and slowly I see.
One by one by one by one.
Myriad are those twinkling light.
They outnumbered my every nerve and the sand I was stepping on.
I see bluish black going purple painting with live lights on it.
It flashes.
It shines.
I fell in love.
I forgot that I am but a wisher.
I forgot who I was like.
The burdens I was carrying fell as I looked up.
The tears I had was wiped away.
The pain I had is gone
The sorrow has ended.
As I fly.
As I soar.
The wind whispered.
It cannot be heard by the ear.
I heard it through the heart.
A great someone not giving up on me.
I am alive because He lives in me.
He welcomes me.
Well done.
Good
and
faithful
servant.
Finally.
I got home.

7 Attributes a Breadwinner can relate to...

1. Priority-driven
The last person on your list is always yourself. You just can't save for yourself.

2. Generous
You have the heart of giving. You developed it through the years.

3. Selfless
You cannot just be yourself and buy all you want and travel all you want, you sacrifice personal pleasure for the family's future.

4. Considerate
You cant just 'yes' to your friends.
You really want to join them during weekends but you have bills and tuition to pay after payday.

5. Sweet
You're ready to give your little sister her wished shoes thru your savings but you'll wait for your shoes to be worn out before you buy yours.

6. Business-minded
You think and try things that can make extra income or you work hard for faster promotion or  you always think of going overseas to earn some more.

7. Anxious
You feel like you just can't get married unless your partner-to-be will adjust.

Some days.

Someday I will travel.
Go to a place where I can be lost.
Hide in the vast of big trees,
Or sleep hearing the lullabies of the sea
Then watch the sky as the sunlight burst.

I wanna be drenched in the summer rain
Or get cold while playing with Mr. Snow.
Then, I will be dried, warmed...gazing on a fireplace.

I wanna drive and see visibly the roads to the horizon or the mountain with the sun at its back or the trees aligned by my side...with the withered leaves floating, flying as the wind whispers.

I wann be at the peak of a high mountain, look down, trace my way up.
Then look quite upward and feel the clouds.
I wanna be deep down the oceans to witness if corals dance and if fishes ever sleep.

Then I will go for a free fall activity, I will keep my eyes open as I fall. I will kiss the air and shout without voice.

I wanna spread my arms wide open as I lie on the fine white sand one night.
Then I will connect all the starry dots my eyes can reach.
I will form the first letter of my name, I will draw hearts and some polygons.
I will form a smile.
I will create a house.
A home.

Someday I will travel.
Someday I will be home.

An Ode to Oneself

I am a traveler.

I go to places where my mind can have peace.

I got to places where my heart stops beating and never beats again the same way.

I wanna go to places where there no negativity.

No drivers who were impatient and shouting.

No little kids on street sides that were abandoned.

No family under the bridge who shares in a cup of rice.

I am a photographer.

I am aspiring to be one.

I capture the smiles of the people around me.

I want the happiness to be visible and stay for a long time.

But it doesn't.

I end up taking photo of a lonely person in cafeteria.

I end up focusing on the pregnant woman holding a lit cigarette.

I end up seeing the disposable things floating crammed in the wide river.

I am a time-saver.

I am not a timekeeper.

Yes, I do not waste time dealing with the regretful notions.

Yet, i do not save time for the important things.

I spent time on the temporary things.

Here now, gone later.

Joy for a minute, tears for a whole day.

I am not able to enjoy the sunlight

I wake up complaining about the heat.

I find birds chirping a noise and the warm wind disgusting.

I am a money-keeper.

I keep them and say I am generous.

I'd like to see others above me.

Yet, I feel jealous.

Rich have all they need and have all they want.

But doesn't care about the shelter-less.

I am not GOD.

I am not perfect.

I do not hold the world in my hand.

The worlds is neither containing me alone.

I can't control myself though I have a choice.

I can't control the scenes around me either.

I can't have long lasting peace.

I do not have a forever love.

Selah.

JESUS.

He is the love, the only truth that lives.

He is peace Himself.

And He wants to walk with me.

He holds my hands and guide me.

He cheers me while I am running the race and keeps from stumbling.

When I fell, He offered His hands.

I noticed a hole. And blood came running down His face.

Tears filled my eyes, a nail and hammer dropped from my hands.

No, I am not a murderer.

I've just forgotten my first love, my passion, the One who loves me the most.

Scales fell from my eyes which blinded me.

Now I see the light.

The people have no more tears, they are clothed in white.

There's a pure river of joy by the cross bridge.

Little children sing with the birds under the canopy of the wide-branched trees.

There is an anchor of faith and anchor of hope.

There is LOVE.

Now, I live to see to Jesus.

And His life influencing.

I am not a traveler.

Not a photographer, nor a timekeeper.

I live to be like Jesus.

I am to be Him to others.

The Whisper

A moment please. Hear the sound...

“You'll know it when you're there...” that's what most people say when it comes to love. Yes it's true. But I'd like to add something to that phrase.

It was one normal evening where nothing goes planned. I was happy in deed to be just hanging out with a brother in faith. We're doing the same thing again, reviewing the past, laughing at the moment and hoping for the future... Ooops! This is not selfish. We talk about life, yes. We talk about the Christian life, the new life and its struggles. We talk about life of other person...the life of Daniel, life of Moses and Paul and other mighty men in the past.

It was one normal evening where nothing goes planned. I was blessed in deed to be just hanging out with a friend in Christ who doesn't know how I am enjoying my time with HIM and with him. We talked about music, songwriting...about talents and worship. I was talking and chatting and at the same time thanking. I am thanking God for his generosity allowing me to have a quality time with this person.

Little did he know (wherein GOD greatly knew beforehand) that I was praying... pleading for God to keep my mouth shut, to say NEVER of the things which shouldn't.

The whisper said to me, “This is the time. Never withhold what you wanted to say...”

I struggled a lot. I till keep my mouth shut.

Voiceless, my heart is screaming out.

I was faking my laugh, my act... coz I am so scared, nervous, confused and overwhelmed.

I don't plan it now, never want it now.

Oh not now. Maybe tomorrow or next week or in the next few months I guess.

But the Whisper said so. Look at the heart. Look at the heart. Look at the heart.

I was reminded of how God anointed David to be a king. 1 Samuel 16:7 echoed and echoed and echoed.

My heart stopped. The words came out.

I was so relieved that I finally said it.

I would never regret that I obeyed the Whisper.

Just a moment please.

Teary-eyed, I heard him say “I love you too...”

Love? You'll know it when you get there... You'll hear a command from up above, something like an undeniable Whisper...

Love is indeed the greatest gift.

Prisoner of Hope

Just thought of this command before sleeping—DON'T QUIT.

Many people around the world spent almost half of their lives working, certainly, to earn for a living. And some people...more than half of their only one life. The usual routine goes like this: Waking up, sleepy bath, breakfast (I guess some may not have this), work.. work.. lunch.. work.. work.. log out, traffiiiiiiiiiiiiicc (Philippines only), dinner, few FB checks then sleep.

A life cycle but with no growth.

Many other people who spent almost half of their lives working don't have joy. They keep complaining to the work load, work environment, the bosses. They are never satisfied. They always feel uncompensated.

I was a fresh grad, recently grateful having a job and proud to be called an employee. But until when will the enthusiasm lasts? Someone asked me that. Will I still be thankful if I have this repetitive responsibility in the company? Will I still smile to my lead when they ask me favors?

Myself wondered then myself wandered.

Then I remembered my vision. I remembered my dream. It is not to be wealthy and empty but to be in the journey of success—a continuous walk of joyful, peaceful and full life. And in that walk I may stumble and stumble and stumble or worse fall. But what is worse than staying down? The worst thing is giving up.

So I say to myself: QUIT.

Quit doubting.

Quit complaining.

Quit the comforting zone.

Quit thinking negative things.

Then this thought sprang: DON'T QUIT.

Don't quit enjoying.

Don't quit balancing.

Don't quit learning.

Don't quit growing.

Then God said: DON'T EVER QUIT.

Don't ever quit praying.

Don't ever quit loving.

Don't ever quit believing.

Don't ever quit waiting.

Don't ever quit hoping (for the best to happen.)

...we have this hope. If we see what we are waiting for, that is not really hope. People do not hope for something they already have. But we are hoping for something we do not have yet, and we are waiting for it patiently. (Romans 8:24-25 NCV)