Duelist

What now?

That question is constantly on mind. 

I don’t know if I'm just having too much paranoia over these things: career, church and family. Many times, it came to the point that I want to divide myself into three or more just to deal with the stuffs I wanna deal with. Of course, its impossible. 

It's been sixty-eight days since I labeled myself 'officially unemployed'. So what's with this? I found myself in front of this four-cornered screen, fretting about my wants, my needs, my dreams...my future. I found myself agitated by my responsibilities that no one is forcing me. I found myself stressed, pressured by the things I want to hold and things I don’t wanna let go.  I found myself questioning, doubting, worrying... not seeking, not praying. I found myself... 

No. I was wrong. 

I didn’t found myself actually. 

I LOST ME. 

Oh well. Thank GOD I am still mentally alright. No questions about that (even though I talked to myself a lot and is writing to myself right now). But you know, I praise GOD! HE is my Savior. When I am losing myself, HE found me. With HIS arms wide open, HE offered me love just when I needed it the most. Reminding me... Holding me... Comforting me..  

PEOPLE say I deserve the best. Because I am kind (really, I am that ideal kind of student when I was still a student), I was a scholar, I have a well-groomed transcript, I graduated with honors and I am a professional license holder. (I really thank GOD I am still mentally fit. After all those achievements are all HIS grace.) Well then, I am not bragging. But what I am pointing out is that those people who have their praise on me also have their extremely high expectation of me. That is real pressure. People around me tend to really believe in me (which of course is not bad). Those people who hope that I will be rich and have these and have that and go to this and to that...I may disappoint them. And they may badmouth me and my decisions. That is what I am depriving to happen. 

Oooh. I looked at myself. I see me chained. Locked. Imprisoned. 

By lies. Discouragements. Faithlessness. 

By fear...  

And I heard GOD whispered. DO NOT FEAR. BE STRONG. BE COURAGEOUS. I AM WITH YOU. I'VE BRING YOU THIS FAR NOT JUST TO DROP YOU OFF. STOP QUESTIONING. START TRUSTING. 

Woah! HE is definitely right. 

STOP QUESTIONING. 

START TRUSTING. 

I deserve the best and will wait for it and will pray for it and will work for it. I deserve the best not because of my achievements but because I am HIS daughter. I am one of GOD's radical daughter. I am a warrior and daily fight over the enemy's lies. I will take HIS word as my sword, HIS promises my shield. 

And to those people hoping, expecting... pressuring and stressing me out. SORRY. I will not please you.  

I may not divide myself into three or more, but I will not give up my family and my ministry. 

I am not after worldly riches. I am not after a life of pleasure. 

I am after WHO IS, WHO WAS and WHO IS TO COME. 

I am after the full life HE is offering. 

I am after the eternal ONE. 

"I will gain the world's riches and treasures but HIS love would be absent. My faith in HIM would be stagnant. I will have life but not to the fullest. I will have false hope. Then the first clause is pointless."