February Agony

Love month.

My mind's away, drifting.

My heart is breaking.

My heart is breaking not because I am single and I don’t have a date.

My heart is breaking not because I didn’t receive any bouquet of flowers or bars of chocolates.

My heart is breaking upon witnessing a mother talking to her sleeping-like lifeless daughter.

My heart is breaking because I am woman, a daughter and if God permits in the future, a mother too.

This picture awakens me. This scene reminded me of not just how precious life is but of how short it is.

My almost one hour conversation with that family a while ago is full of memories from a two-year old little girl who’s life happens to be now in perfect peace. Her mom talks and talks a lot about her. I can see in her eyes her longing. I can observe how her stories about the child put a slight glow on her face. I can hear the agony in her heart as she embraced me with tears.

I was left speechless, teary and wandering.

Pondering about this thing made me realized so many things. It made me ask myself some sort of questions I’ve never asked myself before such as:

•      What’s the purpose of my existence?
•      When will my life end?
•            How will people react when I’m gone?
•      What stories am I gonna leave behind? Is it inspiring? Life-touching?

After these selfish thoughts are the realization of how I am making my time count here on earth. Am I making the most out of my life—life with the people who loves me? Am I treasuring them as if it’s my last time with them? Am I leaving them a worth-sharing memory? How will I act when one of my beloved passed away? Are they gonna be thankful for my life?

Just like in the well-known book of Rick Warren, I asked myself “What on earth am I here for?” Am I living in the center of the Creator’s will? Am I serving Him with all my heart and soul and mind and strength? How am I using this God-breathed body? What am I contributing in line with His Son’s purpose? Is there anything I’ve done or I am doing to make Him more famous? Am I putting a smile on His face? Is He proud of me?

This little child is indeed a gift. I can still remember how she ignores me every Sunday afternoon service and yet manages to make me smile despite of that. I can still recall of how she looks like, wearing that red little dress I gave her last Christmas. I can still imagine her cute face and so-little hands that held my hand into her forehead back then. I can still somehow hear her small voice calling me “Ninang”.

“God has His own reason for everything that’s happening in our lives. All we have to do is trust Him and continue serving Him,” I just said to her mother and ended that "one day you'll meet again when He returns."

Thanks to her who left good memories. Thanks to her, she reminded me. Thanks for the legacy she left behind.

In all these, indeed God has a purpose. I pray that her family will stay on Him, still put their hope in Him. Because all things work together for good for those who love HIM (Romans 8:28).