Meaning..

Happiness is really a choice.

This day was a typical yet somehow overwhelming day for me. I was feeling blithe, amiable, or simply happy. Well, I don’t know why but I think this bliss started on what we regarded as Christmas day—December 25 of 2012, yesterday. Somehow, I was thinking of this:  Newton’s third Law of Motion. Why? The reason is as follows.

On the 24^th night of December, which was obviously the day or night before yesterday, I almost fund myself in tears, really. I got home bringing some food and snacks for my brothers which I happily and hurriedly prepared for us to eat altogether (that thing one of the “blue moon” thing in my life). And whom did I found at home? An empty and silent home was. Well, out of thinking, I set up my bed and then get ready to sleep. As I lay down, I tried to sleep quickly yet drowsiness didn’t find me. Then I got a call from a friend, one of my best friends. He just called to greet me a merry Christmas and also to check how I am feeling that hour. And definitely, I said I’m fine, just sleepy and alone. For him, it’s not a new thing that I was alone but he insisted that it’s Christmas time..that family should be together. I just sighed. Then his mom gets the phone from him and so I got the chance to talk to her though I still didn't meet her. We talked like we knew each other for a long time where she narrated about what her day has been. That conversation made me happy and also lonely. Finished with the call, I look at the mirror and found my eyes in some tears. And I am crazy again. I lie down again and pray. I talked to God, my Comforter. Half-slept, Hero, my brother came and I just glance at him and then close my eyes again. And God made me sleep with peace.

Yesterday, yes…yesterday. It was fun. I rise up early though it feels like it’s good to sleep some more ‘coz the surrounding is seasonally cold. I thank God first and read His word for me for that day. Then I clean up my bed and have some neat-making chores in our house. After that, so early in the morning I went to my friend’s house to give him something as a Christmas gift. He prepared and forced me to eat a breakfast with his family after some chatting that morning. Then I went to a farm where my mother and step-father were. They have to welcome some guests and I got there, of course, o eat and to take some pictures. It was indeed fun seeing the people around you busy and happy. Their smiles were just priceless. Then I went back to our home to take a bath and prepared myself. I was invited to visit a friend’s house next to our town—at Aideelyn’s house. Together with my friend Kimverlyn, we chat about some sort of naughty things, watch some TV programs, do some computer games and apparently we ate. We ate the normal food like caldereta, I think? And also menudo and some orange-colored viand (which I don’t what to call) and and my favorite… sweets!! (leche flan and gelatin). Next stop: Guitar house where I found my new loved one: Algum—my new guitar. This time I was with Kimpoy, my best friend and band mate who helped me buy a guitar, well it’s on sale. Well Algum comes from the words “algal blooms” as far as I know, is an aquatic phenomenon wherein there is a rapid increase in algae. Why? The guitar has this shade of green, algae-like color. And that’s it. Then we stroll there at Sta.Cruz and eat very yummy, super delicious (I think for me only) vegetable salad, a special salad from Nanot’s Spaghetti House. And Kimpoy was the one who paid for all of it. So it was really Christmas—full of giving. The night came, Kimpoy and I, together with one our friend and band mate nicked as Bok visited our brother, Kuya Toper (the same person I visited early in the morning. And there are so much stories, jokes and teasers from them until we felt sleepy and tired. After eating chocolate cake and a fruitcake, the day ended and we finally went home and preferable sleep. December 25 ended.

But… there’s a big BUT here. December 26, unplanned and unready, I chose to join a trip with my youngest brother who was going to buy a new bag at the nearby mall. At first, I don’t want to, but since I have nothing on my sched, my mind forced me to join. And really, happiness is a choice, a decision. I set myself this day not to focus on things that are negative though it crossed my mind, I rebuke it. I chose not to worry and enjoy the things around me. The Law of opposite reaction maybe true because I was once sad then afterwards I am full of gladness. Surely the reaction depends upon how you have dealt with the given situation. it's whether you choose loneliness or you prefer happiness.

With a handy camera, I witnessed a model of unity and priceless smiles. The kids whom I was with a while ago were full of vibrancy and joy, which only comes from the heart. I had the chance to gaze upon the timeless beauty of unfading love of a couple and the harmony of a family. For these things that happened I am, again, thankful to God for giving me the chance to enjoy the things and people around me, for giving me bliss and inspiring me to continue in the run. Maybe, the people around me the past days don’t know what I’m feeling as I move and talk, yet these people, unconsciously helps me and enthuses me to live a life worth enjoying, a life with real meaning.

tired and thanks

Today, this very day I felt the word “exhausted”. Literally, I am tired, not only on the physical but also in the psychological aspect. Well, I’m not that geek or brainiac nor did I have some psychological disorder. It’s just I feel tired, tired of doing the same things all over again. And what’s more tiresome? It has never been better. I have never been better. Physically, I feel feeble, “low-batt” as they termed it. I got home from school of so much brain-freezing exams, traveled for hours with changing climate from place to place and mingled with different people whom majority is anonymous. I got home. No one was at home. See? I went to see my friends. None of them replied to my messages. None of them was available. And it seems like a really tiresome day. No one to talk to but God. Oh right. What’s more wearing me out is the thoughts and worries I have in my mind now. I don’t even know how to fit my twenty four hours tomorrow having enough sleep and time for myself , family and friends with these things bothering my mind. And so what are those? Morning. I’ll wash my clothes--simple and regular. Morning. Practice for an intermission number for a Christmas party on Sunday. Morning. Designing and decorating parts of the unfinished business in our church. Morning. Meeting my so much missed best friend whom I talked to (seriously and intimately) almost a year ago. Lunch time? Afternoon. Hours of walking and talking and laughing and mingling with other unreached youth in our town—sharing the Good News. Afternoon, practice of my beloved network—Worship Arts Net commonly called Music Ministry. Afternoon till evening. Practice. Teaching. Practice. After the practice, unhopefully, decorating till midnight. Dinner? Well,  I must prefer a sleep. Prayer? A big YES! Alone now, I am somewhat like talking to myself and  talking to God. I’m somewhat like a crazy person here while blogging my thoughts. And God did have a word for me. while browsing some photos of a Facebook page. It struck me. 

http://www.facebook.com/GodLifePage/photos_stream

It’s like God was answering me not to be tired in serving in His ministry for He is the one to sustain me. And it’s a promise, a promise from a faithful God. Though things were sometimes not working out the way I want it to be, well all things work together for good… even the best for those who love Him and wait for Him. It came to my thinking that I may be busy and tired these days because I chose to. And I feel tired because I don’t recognize other’s help and God’s too. And that promise above? I will keep it and trust Him for I know He is the best. Recognizing Him as the one I serve and the one I’m working for helped me view the things I’ve said earlier a chance, an opportunity that truly comes only once in this life. Knowing Him as my Master makes me feel grateful. So thank You God ^_^

GRATUITOUS, INDEBTED, PLEASED

I thanked God for today for He still lends me another day to live. There are days that I feel like quitting yet I wonder why God still lends me hours to breathe. There are times that I had wished that I’m that person who’s bed-ridden and is just waiting for his/her life to end. Thinking, I look up and I saw the plain sky. A sudden whisper came to my ear telling me that I should not think that way. I was reminded. I was in apology for those negative notions that clouded my mind. Probably, He has reasons for me to stay in this materialistic earth. And my purpose, I think so, is not yet accomplished.

As I look above and stare at clear blue sky, I see His majesty and I was set in awe of God’s works. He was indeed a designer—the Greatest Designer. He has done everything perfectly. The intensity of light, the expansion of the sky, the various contours of the clouds, the liberated birds, the tall trees... everything. I was speechless and at the same time amazed. As I walk towards the horizon, I realized that in my nineteen years of living, I never appreciate my co-creations this much. Their beauty was never ingenuous.

I live in a place where concrete buildings are rare. No factories, no cloud-like smog, no industrialization process occurring—very rural, very agricultural. Some people or many people rather look this scenery in a pessimistic way. How? They say it has no progress, no development, and no hope. And I admit, I’m one of those good-for-nothing persons a while ago. Yes, a while ago. But now I’m grateful that I have the opportunity to take notice of the real creation: the earth that has God-given lives. As I continue walking, I can see the motion of the invisible air making the leaves sway, hear the sound of the flowing water rushing between some rocks and smell the breeze of green fields through the air. And the joy suddenly filled my heart. I was, in a sudden, crammed with gratefulness as I observe these things directing my eyes on what’s above me—the serene sky.

It was early in the morning, and I got the chance to walk around with a camera in my hand together with my brother and little cousins. And I was like a tourist in my own hometown. People, who know me and don’t know me, are wondering as I they saw me joyfully taking pictures of things they didn’t appreciate much: the wild and colorful flowers, the unnamed plants, the irrigation flow, the fields and many other things they are used to see but they have not taken of full notice. And this shot was one of my favorites (sorry, I don’t have a DSLR, it’s just a normal digital camera set on a super vivid tone):

I don’t know why am I happy to see this bee circling around the yellow conifer-like flower, but I am just me. For me, it’s very amazing of how God make the bee be friends with flower together with the air that makes the flower seems to be dancing. Indescribable, He was.  Another shot was this:

 My mother says it doesn't make any sense. She seems to have a question in mind she can’t ask me because she doesn't know how. One thing I know is that I found an exquisite view of the cloudy and ambiguous portion of water in motion with the truck’s wheel on it. The soft curvatures formed by water flow are like an art, a flabbergasted art that no one can design but God. He makes the water have that property making it flow as with the turning wheel.

There are still many things I want to post but it would be a novel if I describe it all with words and exaggerations. There is also the flock of the monochromatic goats (because they are colored black and white) which I imagined like the Old Testament time—the flock of sheep led by David. There are so many things to be thankful for. It’s just a matter of realizing the importance of what’s around us… that people can be happy in simple thing if they find its splendor and use. Things may not seem to be important but God made them for a purpose. And those flowers, the leaves, the birds and the water just let Him rule in their life. Their beauty was with no stresses because God take cares of them.

I'm not certain about this yet I consider God feels what I am feeling. As I find joy in His creation, He also finds it joy and pleasure when He looks down and watches His own-breathed creation enjoying what He designed them to be, just like the water flows… just like how the leaves sway. Trees and plants and other living things definitely die, but they have outlived what God has intended them to be. With this walk, I believe He reflected to me what must I do to those unenthusiastic and depressing notions which I have thought many times before. He, indeed, divulged to me my real worth in His eyes—that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by Him and I must acknowledge His purpose for me to bring Him a smile in His heart and so are you...

for more photos of my exploration that day add me up--- click here  ^-^   or  here

NonSENSE

As the music fades into the darkness, all became numb.  The ever-beating heart stopped, came to life for a while, and then stopped until the end of time. I don’t want to, but there’s no choice but to surrender. Im dead for sure…yet I’m still breathing…breathing the air of agony, the spirit of sorrow. The blood filled with emptiness still flows through my pale veins. The sadness, I can smell it in the air. Where am I? It’s blue, no darker.. Dimmer than the darkness of the night. Tonight, I’m only nervous. Nervous. Nervous. People around are changing and no one can figure out how, why and to what extent. It’s midnight but it’s teary. Inside me is someone who is divulging a secret only I can decode. And they suddenly fell, the unstoppable and frozen tears. Life has its opposite, negative opposites are always greater. Yesterday was happiness and today was a total melancholy. Where am I going? Im surely talking to myself but quietly... I’m longing for something I don’t know…something that could fulfill the hole internally. Satisfaction is what I want. The way of achieving it? Impossible. I have my God. I have my faith. I don’t know why I’m being like this. The never-ending trials are somehow tiresome. Sure, you won’t understand me.

The wind is blowing too hard but no rain came out, even a little. It’s still yuletide season and I can’t think about sleeping. I’m having this syndrome of too much thinking that made me wrote this-- iniquitous, unscrupulous and not warranted. A kinship that has never been completed, never been developed, and may never tightened anymore. Hypothetically, it’s my entire fault. Nonetheless, I can find myself an elucidation. What am I going to do here? The wind is blowing even harder now, the leaves are falling away invisibly. The rain begins to pour clumsily on the roof and somehow it feels good. Is the heaven joining me? When are they going to take me so that I can join them? Harder. I found myself staring at the endless--inhaling the fume of the ground which is pulling me down.  I can’t even smile as people around smile before me. Tomorrow, I think I know what will happen. I’m not dead, pondering the thoughts of blankness. Liars and charlatans are thinning out and they are gulping the society. They are infecting greedy and merciless people who make untrue stories of weak individuals—individuals who always dream of strength they can’t have by themselves. Nearly, my mind is going to burst. I’m partly insane and I can’t resist having this madness. Why can’t I choose happiness if it’s one of the options. The words might not leave the perplexed tongue. Complicatedly expressible. Is it a feeling or an emotion? I’m saddened by something no one can ever feel, thoughts not in the world, a matter that is beyond imagination. I still can’t sleep, looking at my empty bed with my opaque body. It’s blurred. Very blurred. Dreaming is all I can do for now. But what should I dream? Dreaming of something not real? Unreachable? Unattainable? Redundant, it seems but no words fill my head now. All things are defying gravity—floating limitlessly, undeniably. Shddsckxnvhfidiwjdjckbvb skowdjdhoqhskkkk.. I’m out. I can’t find the right words to convey the picture in my head. Anger and patience, tears and smile, death and love…battling over… shaking until the grasses die… and the colors around weaken.

The Half-day Boyfriend Story

This morning, as I was looking for a not-very-important something around 10 o'clock in our house, I was surprised to see my old notes, exam papers and personal notes still compiled and kept in a pink portfolio or whatsoever envelope-like thing. It contains my test papers since my first grade in my elementary years and some of my grade-school notes which I find disgusting-- the handwriting, the grammar and the way it is expressed. It's funny and I realized that I am now far from what I am before (well, in those stated aspects only). Yet what greatly caught my attention was a journal of mine, comprising a number of handwritten, personally made poems and stories. The first story was entitled "My Half-day Boyfriend" (chuckles) and it goes like this:

My Half-day Boyfriend

Is it really lucky to be in love with your best friend? I guess it's not especially when he or she is not feeling the same way...

On that remarkable day, I stood by the entrance, dumb and expectant, waiting for him to come. Several minutes passes and I felt approaching footsteps. He came carrying a bag filled with some snacks and drinks. We went inside the resort, paid the reasonable fees and settled on the cottage there. We, then started conversing, eating and laughing.

This is me, Megan. Call me Meg for short. I'm a third year engineering student who grew up from a VERY broken family. I used to play cars and guns back when I was a child. In many ways, I act like a guy, dress not like a girl. I didn't have that beauty yet some says I have the brains. So what's with those? Just an introduction.  The real story begins back when I was still a freshman. I was exceedingly happy away from home, studying hard and adjusting independently. Being naturally affable, I got friends right away. And he's just one of my normally-treated classmates until we get to know each other through texting.

He's Rai. The name was a contraction of his given name Raikiel-- a lad of low voice (low and big for his appearance). He's an athletic one with expressive eyes and as time passes by, we became friends-- notably, the first closest guy I had, whom I can tell my deepest secrets; share my deepest problems; ask useful advices and talk about my limited crushes. We were unprecedented that we are close-- that I'm always the first to know his secrets. And when I ask him why, he said he feels comfty talking to me and furthermore, never gets bored. (Flattering!) He updates me of his lovelife and I give notions for it (though I'm an NBSB). During weekends, semestral breaks and vacations we used to talk, sometimes till morning the next day, through phone. Our stories seem to be never-ending. But when dull moments come, he'll request a song  from me and in equity, I'll also make him sing.

Long before, I heard someone said that being best-friends with the opposite gender is unreal. Why? Because truly, one of them furtively falls in love with the other. good enough for me I have stopped myself. I insisted that it's only in the mind and the word "love" would never be in my vocabulary... that's what I promised to myself. so we're the best of friends.

In the resort, we ate, we laugh...we drank together. The morning had been fine, but the air was growing moist, the coming rain was telegraphed by the plump, grey clouds and the blue sky was fast fading. As we go on, tears suddenly filled my eyes. hatred and bitterness had preyed upon me spontaneously for months and it just burst out. So he spoke to me with words of comfort yet I can't fully grasp them as if I don;t hear a thing. He then drew near to me, fitted his left hand on my right. His other hand held my face with his thumb wiping my tears. I felt a sudden numbness, then a cringe inside of me.. I didn't care if somebody looks at me...on us. He continued to give me words of optimism but I was really not of myself. Multidinous patches of drizzling rain came with occasional gust of wind that failed to motivate some tress to sway. Of deep languor, I fell asleep...my head leaning on his shoulder and his arms around me. Almost an hour has passed before I woke up. Embarrassed as I realized my position, I sit back properly while he offered me water to drink. He maybe saw me shivered a little so he covered me with his towel. I just then settled for a while into a stillness of myself.

There was a moment of weird silence then he hugged me tightly telling me that everything will be alright. The surrounding were becoming warm and sultry again when he pulled me towards the pool. We played and surely enjoyed the water which somehow awakened my motion and set it free... Tired and happy and hungry, we went back to the cottage a and ate some snacks. 

I will never forget the gane we played back then.. the "staring" game. Well, we'll just have yo stare at each other and the first to blink his/her eyes will lose and will be subjected to drink or the command of the winner. I don't know why but I can't stand his gaze. Everytime he looks at me, straightforwardly, my heart intermittently drops off to my feet, my knees tremble. When he draws nearer, some positively and negatively particles collide inside me and travel through my every arteries and veins and so I close my eyes involuntarily  The feeling was different from excitement neither from happiness. no words can equate to that moment. Expectedly, I lose in the game. And the consequence? To kiss him in the cheeks.

Though I never wanted, that day ended. All the sun's warmth left the air. In the deepening twilight, we began to pack our things. I was obviously making my movement slow to extend that time that we were together because I knew that it will never happen again. "Nobody shall know this, ok?" He said in whisper... Silence was regained then I just nodded. the air was definitely cold, the light had died out of the atmosphere when at last we turned our faces homeward. "Rai," I uttered.. "Meg," he butted in, not hearing me "I'm going to meet Laysa tomorrow, what color do you think suits me the best? I want to look at my nicest" He said while smiling. I waited for a minute, seeming to get those words straight to my mind. By the way Laysa was the girl who rejects him a numerous times yet he still pursues. The sad truth bursts inside of me-- I felt there a visible wall between us. I almost forgot that I am his best friend. And forever we will be...

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.the end... Well the feeling? I can't remember why or how or when did I wrote this. Love. Love. Love. False alarm!!! hahahaha.. I can't help but laugh because honestly I am Meg in the story and Rai is my ex-bestfrriend. He's just a friend now. (grins)The story? It was somehow true.. Some scene was exaggerated and some were invented, maybe to make the story quite interesting. Oh moods.. Moods and feelings, great that I can write them up.. ^_^

A Poem

Is this what you call emo???

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Thinking it over again-- how did I come up with this poem and with its weird unusual title, together with some edited picture of mine in its monochrome state-- I came to realize that I was just a normal human being.. with feelings. And just like many fems out there, those feelings (or should I call it "moods") are changing, maybe not from time to time but in an unexpected period of time.

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Well, being emotional has become pessimistic in name. The word itself was coupled with sadness and it is even associated with the word "suicide". the word has also its color-- black. It's somehow funny thinking that not all emotions are gloomy, detrimental or simply negative.. Emotions, feelings or mood has its swings...meaning it has its ups and downs and has its positive side. those can be gladness, excitement, zeal, love, gratitude, sympathy and many more. 

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On the other hand, these emotions are meant to be conveyed which in turn become expressions. They are expressed in many forms-- eating, walking, staying alone at room, painting or sketching and probably writing. In writing, emotions are voiced out by words, words that correspond to the feeling that is often hard to express. By writing, words are having thickness and even faces. By writing, emotions are being put into words with life. Feelings are divulged whom you can review in some point in time bringing you another feeling-- it might make you laugh, wonder, think or learn. Like that one at the top, the image with the poem entitled "Sepulchre"..It's up to you to look up the meaning of that word. 

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Ok, that poem together with the image, was indeed a cynical one. Surely, some other time. or maybe tomorrow, I'll write and post about OBVIOUSly HAPPY things.