Some days.

Someday I will travel.
Go to a place where I can be lost.
Hide in the vast of big trees,
Or sleep hearing the lullabies of the sea
Then watch the sky as the sunlight burst.

I wanna be drenched in the summer rain
Or get cold while playing with Mr. Snow.
Then, I will be dried, warmed...gazing on a fireplace.

I wanna drive and see visibly the roads to the horizon or the mountain with the sun at its back or the trees aligned by my side...with the withered leaves floating, flying as the wind whispers.

I wann be at the peak of a high mountain, look down, trace my way up.
Then look quite upward and feel the clouds.
I wanna be deep down the oceans to witness if corals dance and if fishes ever sleep.

Then I will go for a free fall activity, I will keep my eyes open as I fall. I will kiss the air and shout without voice.

I wanna spread my arms wide open as I lie on the fine white sand one night.
Then I will connect all the starry dots my eyes can reach.
I will form the first letter of my name, I will draw hearts and some polygons.
I will form a smile.
I will create a house.
A home.

Someday I will travel.
Someday I will be home.

An Ode to Oneself

I am a traveler.

I go to places where my mind can have peace.

I got to places where my heart stops beating and never beats again the same way.

I wanna go to places where there no negativity.

No drivers who were impatient and shouting.

No little kids on street sides that were abandoned.

No family under the bridge who shares in a cup of rice.

I am a photographer.

I am aspiring to be one.

I capture the smiles of the people around me.

I want the happiness to be visible and stay for a long time.

But it doesn't.

I end up taking photo of a lonely person in cafeteria.

I end up focusing on the pregnant woman holding a lit cigarette.

I end up seeing the disposable things floating crammed in the wide river.

I am a time-saver.

I am not a timekeeper.

Yes, I do not waste time dealing with the regretful notions.

Yet, i do not save time for the important things.

I spent time on the temporary things.

Here now, gone later.

Joy for a minute, tears for a whole day.

I am not able to enjoy the sunlight

I wake up complaining about the heat.

I find birds chirping a noise and the warm wind disgusting.

I am a money-keeper.

I keep them and say I am generous.

I'd like to see others above me.

Yet, I feel jealous.

Rich have all they need and have all they want.

But doesn't care about the shelter-less.

I am not GOD.

I am not perfect.

I do not hold the world in my hand.

The worlds is neither containing me alone.

I can't control myself though I have a choice.

I can't control the scenes around me either.

I can't have long lasting peace.

I do not have a forever love.

Selah.

JESUS.

He is the love, the only truth that lives.

He is peace Himself.

And He wants to walk with me.

He holds my hands and guide me.

He cheers me while I am running the race and keeps from stumbling.

When I fell, He offered His hands.

I noticed a hole. And blood came running down His face.

Tears filled my eyes, a nail and hammer dropped from my hands.

No, I am not a murderer.

I've just forgotten my first love, my passion, the One who loves me the most.

Scales fell from my eyes which blinded me.

Now I see the light.

The people have no more tears, they are clothed in white.

There's a pure river of joy by the cross bridge.

Little children sing with the birds under the canopy of the wide-branched trees.

There is an anchor of faith and anchor of hope.

There is LOVE.

Now, I live to see to Jesus.

And His life influencing.

I am not a traveler.

Not a photographer, nor a timekeeper.

I live to be like Jesus.

I am to be Him to others.

The Whisper

A moment please. Hear the sound...

“You'll know it when you're there...” that's what most people say when it comes to love. Yes it's true. But I'd like to add something to that phrase.

It was one normal evening where nothing goes planned. I was happy in deed to be just hanging out with a brother in faith. We're doing the same thing again, reviewing the past, laughing at the moment and hoping for the future... Ooops! This is not selfish. We talk about life, yes. We talk about the Christian life, the new life and its struggles. We talk about life of other person...the life of Daniel, life of Moses and Paul and other mighty men in the past.

It was one normal evening where nothing goes planned. I was blessed in deed to be just hanging out with a friend in Christ who doesn't know how I am enjoying my time with HIM and with him. We talked about music, songwriting...about talents and worship. I was talking and chatting and at the same time thanking. I am thanking God for his generosity allowing me to have a quality time with this person.

Little did he know (wherein GOD greatly knew beforehand) that I was praying... pleading for God to keep my mouth shut, to say NEVER of the things which shouldn't.

The whisper said to me, “This is the time. Never withhold what you wanted to say...”

I struggled a lot. I till keep my mouth shut.

Voiceless, my heart is screaming out.

I was faking my laugh, my act... coz I am so scared, nervous, confused and overwhelmed.

I don't plan it now, never want it now.

Oh not now. Maybe tomorrow or next week or in the next few months I guess.

But the Whisper said so. Look at the heart. Look at the heart. Look at the heart.

I was reminded of how God anointed David to be a king. 1 Samuel 16:7 echoed and echoed and echoed.

My heart stopped. The words came out.

I was so relieved that I finally said it.

I would never regret that I obeyed the Whisper.

Just a moment please.

Teary-eyed, I heard him say “I love you too...”

Love? You'll know it when you get there... You'll hear a command from up above, something like an undeniable Whisper...

Love is indeed the greatest gift.

Prisoner of Hope

Just thought of this command before sleeping—DON'T QUIT.

Many people around the world spent almost half of their lives working, certainly, to earn for a living. And some people...more than half of their only one life. The usual routine goes like this: Waking up, sleepy bath, breakfast (I guess some may not have this), work.. work.. lunch.. work.. work.. log out, traffiiiiiiiiiiiiicc (Philippines only), dinner, few FB checks then sleep.

A life cycle but with no growth.

Many other people who spent almost half of their lives working don't have joy. They keep complaining to the work load, work environment, the bosses. They are never satisfied. They always feel uncompensated.

I was a fresh grad, recently grateful having a job and proud to be called an employee. But until when will the enthusiasm lasts? Someone asked me that. Will I still be thankful if I have this repetitive responsibility in the company? Will I still smile to my lead when they ask me favors?

Myself wondered then myself wandered.

Then I remembered my vision. I remembered my dream. It is not to be wealthy and empty but to be in the journey of success—a continuous walk of joyful, peaceful and full life. And in that walk I may stumble and stumble and stumble or worse fall. But what is worse than staying down? The worst thing is giving up.

So I say to myself: QUIT.

Quit doubting.

Quit complaining.

Quit the comforting zone.

Quit thinking negative things.

Then this thought sprang: DON'T QUIT.

Don't quit enjoying.

Don't quit balancing.

Don't quit learning.

Don't quit growing.

Then God said: DON'T EVER QUIT.

Don't ever quit praying.

Don't ever quit loving.

Don't ever quit believing.

Don't ever quit waiting.

Don't ever quit hoping (for the best to happen.)

...we have this hope. If we see what we are waiting for, that is not really hope. People do not hope for something they already have. But we are hoping for something we do not have yet, and we are waiting for it patiently. (Romans 8:24-25 NCV)

Welcoming 2015! (Part Two)

2014 is over. It's now the 5^th day of 2015. This I say to myself: Only three things last forever—faith, hope and love. But the greatest of this is love.

Let us go to the second part of my extravagant 2014 for the glory of GOD.

I would be really unfair for this but I don't care. I compressed may things in the first part of the blog but this blog will also be compressed for just one person who filled my 2014 with happiness.

Happiness in sight..

Happiness in thought...

Happiness in deed...

Sorry but I would be selfish if I don't share this happiness! :)

I really really really treasure my year 2014 and he is part of this treasure. GOD is so gracious that HE allowed me to be friends with this person I used to call my “bespren”.

When I met him, I have observed this: he is a serious, mysterious, suplado-yet-cutie, not-that-approachable type of guy way back some dates in the last quarter of 2011 at a gathering at the church (at one of those discipleship training class). Well, he i not that “pansining-pogi” type of guy but what was notable to him was his stillness, his quietness, his numbered smiles (and not really laughs). He was with the bunch of guys who's just starting their faith that time. He was noticeably different.

And the time goes by...

April 2012 we joined a retreat together with some of our church mates and we are not close. I hate his seriousness though! Yet through that retreat, I became friends with him I guess because I get to know him (and others too.) During those time, honestly I had a secret school boyfriend (whom my siblings and my best friend knew) and a secret crush on his cousin so he is far away from my sight.

During the days of April and May, he and I, together with the new formed band, have been together. Since we are all “tambay” those days because it's vacation, I saw his excellency in playing and leading a guitar.

“That's normal,” this thought is what I played through my mind. Well it's not unique that some guy plays the guitar so well. It's normal. What is not normal is the way he speaks. I don't if its because of his mysteriousness but I'm slowly getting this: He is deep. I am not observing him no, well in fact i try to observe the people around me. And he tries to observe to. So what's different between what we are doing? We both observe people but I learned that he observes the people around him and act according to his observation. I just observe to observe.

After the concert, after so many days that has passed and so may coffees we had shared together with the band members, I can say that he is wise. He has something out of the context that is significant that will somehow make you think. One thing is for sure. He is deep... Deeper than what i am expecting.

Date Noted: 25^th of December 2012, he helped me choose my first guitar which I named “Algum.”

So I continue with my life, as I get closer to GOD I realized me, my life, my wrong... I forget some past and look ahead to what GOD is calling me to be. In short, I realize the word “living”.

Since 2011, I can say he is my friend. 2013? He is one of those I am looking up to, in terms of discipline and knowledge. (Oooops! I may blow your heads up when you read this but I had a crush on you since 2013) Well, to my senses it's not going somewhere. I am just a girl with no significant talent, shallow-thinker and used to laugh out loud. We are not “thing”! (In tagalog please.)

Date Noted: 14^th of February 2013 he messaged me this around 3pm in the afternoon: “Mermaid ka ba? :)”

It is not going somewhere.

Hello admiration.

Hello crush!

We've been phone messaging in the last two quarters of 2013 but not that often. We addressed each other as 'bespren” and at some point in time he addressedme as “sis.” I find it weird, awkward..but I did wonder.

Date Noted: 17^th of December 2013 he texted me this: “Goodmorning sis. namimi2ss kita, bat ganun, hehe, sabihin mo sakin pag may lod ka pa, maglod din ako...” Then we find ourselves talking about gifts for each other asking me this: “Ano nga?! KJ mo ba! hehe. eh anong gusto mo? ida2te kita? Hehe.”

I was speechless but I killed the feeling.

January 3, 2014—the day where things became clearer. The day I will always thank GOD for. The day I knew I was beautiful... Beautifully shining in his eyes... "

prayer partners

2011 is over but it is worth reminiscing.
2013 is over and it's not a treasure that to be hidden but to thank GOD for.
2014 is not over. In my heart, as GOD permits, it will be forever.

It's now the 5^th day of 2015. This I say to myself: I will always trust, always hope, always persevere...

Treasuring 2014 (Part One)

2014 is over. It's now the 5^th day of 2015. This I say to myself: You always trust, always hope, always persevere...

I really don't know how to thank GOD for my year 2014 (the reason why this blogpost is quite late). I can't understand why HE is good, so faithful to me (which, I know, is not for me to comprehend). I just don't understand HIS plans nor can I grasp HIS thoughts...well surely I can't. HE is so so so great!

You may ask me why. And you may also not.

It is up to you then.

The first quarter of my 2014 is indeed challenging. I was in my fifth year the College of Engineering then. In short, I am one of those students classified as “graduating” yet my thesis project is not yet defended, not yet done, not yet even working. To be honest? I cried some tears because of this. At some points, I gave up, wanted to start it all over again and change the whole project. At some points, I accepted that I wont be finishing it on time and I will not march with my classmates. But all throughout I prayed for it. I pray for it as the sun rises, as I close my eyes to sleep, as the I work on it with the team. In this times, I am holding to Genesis 28:15.

11^th of April, I marched with my mom on my side...

I was a five-year DOST Scholar...

And for the glory of GOD, I was a Cum Laude.

The next five months of that first quarter is really breathtaking for me. I decided to take the September Licensure Exam and I was environment-forced to take a five-month review. As September draws near, my heart pounds louder and louder. The five months did not took all the topics to be learned and that added to my nervousness. The result of former ECE Board Exam with low passing percentage, the new board members, the result of the dry run exam, the pressures from my parents, friends, university andthe pressure from being a scholar, a cum laude... These things drag me down to my senses that I cannot do it. I can't make it.

I can't make it alone.

During these months also, I came to know GOD deeper. I attended this ECE Connect Fellowship wherein I did grow my trust in GOD. I am reminded that my worth in GOD is far more than my achievements and what I can be. I am reminded not to worry and HIS plans is definitely higher and better than mine. I was indeed humbled yet empowered with increasing faith in HIM.

And the two-day exam came. And I like to detail it.

First Subject: MATH. It didn't go well for me. Five hours was allotted for the subject but I didn't even finish reading and solving all the 100 questions. Many of my shaded answers are not smart guess but guess with faith.

Second Subject: ELECTRONICS. Major for four hours. During reviews we focused on problem-solving and diagrams and circuits. The exam? More of terms, principle and few diagrams.

The night came and it was the first day. The night came and as I talk to one of my encouragers that moment, some tears and some more tears fall. It's like I don't wanna take the last two subjects the next day. But as he said, the battle is not yet finish. With GOD and my trust in HIM, pass or fail, I will be victorious.

That sleepless night passed and surely the morning came, I am expectant. I was hoping of hope.

Third Subject: GEAS (General Engineering and Applied Sciences). This subject comprises of economy, management, chemistry, physics, laws and ethics, mechanics and other non-major topics. I was surprised. This was the most difficult subject ever. I was stunned, speechless, teary (again) after five hours. I accepted the fact and it is alright if would retake the board exam.

Fourth Subject: EST. Communications. My hope revived! Though I was not sure of my answers, but I have the feeling that my answers were correct. While taking the exam, I am being reminded of the books I have read which somehow helped me feel alive again.

The three days after the exam were the longer days for me ever. Sleepless hoping, mindful praying, speechless kneeling, in emptiness staring. I feel numb when people ask me “kamusta?” I feel like crying when someone greet me as “Engineer.” I feel like disappearing when in house a precelebration party was held.

“They do not know what they are doing...” I said to myself.

At about 9PM on October 3, 2014, I knew that the exam result will be released. I shut off my laptop and just listen to the noise around the house. I was really really nervous. My phone is ringing and I didn't take it until her 7^th try I think. I don't know if she will greet me or else comfort me.

I passed. I am now a Licensed Engineer. I know that GOD made some adjustments for me to make it.

During those five months, was June. My birth month. And one of the dearest greetings I've receive is a call from a man from Canada—my almost 21-year lost biological father.

Until now I am still amazed with how GOD worked and still at work in my life. The last time I remember praying to see my biological father was during grade school days when my seatmates ask me about him. Fifth of February when I confirmed HE is my father. We see each other face to face on skype. How did I know he is the one? I saw my sister too which looks a lot like me. And that awkward blithe feeling came to me knowing that I have my other half. Well, we're just like fraternal twins.

It's the month of march when we met each other personally. I also had a chance to meet my relatives on his side. They welcome me warmly. My cousins are purely Chinese, speaks Chinese, look very Chinese. I was very thankful to GOD that HE let me experience things not normally experienced by many. I feel like I was a protagonist in a movie.

Up to this day, I have so many more things to be thankful about—for the families I have, for my mom, for the Church I've been attending to, for the ministry entrusted to me and for the people who is always for me.

Above all the things I've thankful for is my family. I feel like I became to them this year. I don't know how did it start because I'm not that clingy and “malambing” daughter ever. Well, I did not change but since I got to spend more time with them, I became vocal to them. Eventually, they treated me the same (I hope this feeling is true).

I am the only girl among the siblings—I was their princess. My mom is the queen. My brothers are the princes and also my knights (though I am the eldest). They have the greatest expectation of me yet the proudest individuals for me. They didn't care about my achievements nor my weirdest happiness. They just love being with me (sana) and I hope they are not in regret of having me in their circle.

I wanna thank GOD my mom for being so understanding and patient who didn't scold me even once whenever I arrive home at almost midnight. I thank GOD for making her my mom who tolerates me of my crazy hobbies. I thank GOD for making her so gentle that sometimes it's like I am raising my voice to her. I thank her for her never-ending, never-tiring arranging and cleaning my seemingly-snake-den room. She is not just a part of my 2014, she was and will be my number one fan! And I will be hers too.

I also praise GOD for this wonderful friend HE has given me—my twin sister (from another womb) in Christ. Her name is Jimell Andrea, born six days before I was. My nursery classmate (which I realized after several years because of an old class picture), my grade school days buddy (na lagi kong inaasar because of her modesty) and my best friend who loves CHRIST and HIS Church and its people (who I know that for some time prayed for me to know HIM too). I thank GOD for making her who she is. I thank GOD for her even though she still does not know how to ride a bike. I thank GOD for making her thoughtful and caring and sweet. And I am given a chance to be someone else? I would choose to be like her.

I may not detail all the blessings I do have right now, but one thing is for sure: IT IS ALL FROM GOD. IT IS ALL FOR HIM. IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM.

HE had made me wait for five years for me to graduate...

Five months and three long days for me to be licensed...

Almost 21 years to be with my biological father...

I didn't plan for any of this waiting.

I am now learning.

For year 2015, I do have plans but I am praying for HIS will be done. HE has so much better for me and for the rest of us too (Hebrews 11:40).

And I am now ready (again) to face my mountain.

I am ready to witness how the Red Sea will depart.

I am ready to move forward before my Jordan River.

I will walk in the path GOD is making.

I will run to the prize HE is offering.

How about you? Will you join me in my journey? :)