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Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Duelist

What now?

That question is constantly on mind. 

I don’t know if I'm just having too much paranoia over these things: career, church and family. Many times, it came to the point that I want to divide myself into three or more just to deal with the stuffs I wanna deal with. Of course, its impossible. 

It's been sixty-eight days since I labeled myself 'officially unemployed'. So what's with this? I found myself in front of this four-cornered screen, fretting about my wants, my needs, my dreams...my future. I found myself agitated by my responsibilities that no one is forcing me. I found myself stressed, pressured by the things I want to hold and things I don’t wanna let go.  I found myself questioning, doubting, worrying... not seeking, not praying. I found myself... 

No. I was wrong. 

I didn’t found myself actually. 

I LOST ME. 

Oh well. Thank GOD I am still mentally alright. No questions about that (even though I talked to myself a lot and is writing to myself right now). But you know, I praise GOD! HE is my Savior. When I am losing myself, HE found me. With HIS arms wide open, HE offered me love just when I needed it the most. Reminding me... Holding me... Comforting me..  

PEOPLE say I deserve the best. Because I am kind (really, I am that ideal kind of student when I was still a student), I was a scholar, I have a well-groomed transcript, I graduated with honors and I am a professional license holder. (I really thank GOD I am still mentally fit. After all those achievements are all HIS grace.) Well then, I am not bragging. But what I am pointing out is that those people who have their praise on me also have their extremely high expectation of me. That is real pressure. People around me tend to really believe in me (which of course is not bad). Those people who hope that I will be rich and have these and have that and go to this and to that...I may disappoint them. And they may badmouth me and my decisions. That is what I am depriving to happen. 

Oooh. I looked at myself. I see me chained. Locked. Imprisoned. 

By lies. Discouragements. Faithlessness. 

By fear...  

And I heard GOD whispered. DO NOT FEAR. BE STRONG. BE COURAGEOUS. I AM WITH YOU. I'VE BRING YOU THIS FAR NOT JUST TO DROP YOU OFF. STOP QUESTIONING. START TRUSTING. 

Woah! HE is definitely right. 

STOP QUESTIONING. 

START TRUSTING. 

I deserve the best and will wait for it and will pray for it and will work for it. I deserve the best not because of my achievements but because I am HIS daughter. I am one of GOD's radical daughter. I am a warrior and daily fight over the enemy's lies. I will take HIS word as my sword, HIS promises my shield. 

And to those people hoping, expecting... pressuring and stressing me out. SORRY. I will not please you.  

I may not divide myself into three or more, but I will not give up my family and my ministry. 

I am not after worldly riches. I am not after a life of pleasure. 

I am after WHO IS, WHO WAS and WHO IS TO COME. 

I am after the full life HE is offering. 

"I will gain the world's riches and treasures but HIS love would be absent. My faith in HIM would be stagnant. I will have life but not to the fullest. I will have false hope. Then the first clause is pointless."

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The Routine

Choices. Trials. Happiness. Lie. Love. Fear. Patience. Disappointments. Faith. Distrust.

Does life suck? No. Is life a cycle? Definitely, inevitably… YES.

I don’t know about you but I did grow up learning that life is a “cycle” yet many times I do forget it. I do forget it when I am happy. I do forget it when I am sad. I don’t remember it when I am trusting and waiting and believing or when I am discouraged, disappointed or worst when I am a failure. And I’m not certain that I could remember it later after I wrote this, or tomorrow when I wake up.

I love the way the wise teacher states this in Ecclesiastes 7:14 CEV,

When times are good,    you should be cheerful; when times are bad,    think what it means.God makes them bothto keep us from knowing    what will happen next.



You see. Life, contrary to the norms, is NOT full of surprises. The fact that we know that life is uncertain should make us not to be startled with what tomorrow will bring.

Honestly, right now. I feel tired. Though I don’t do anything, I am not into studies nor in a workplace, yet I feel exhausted…exhausted not of living nor breathing but on my life’s routine. Well, the routine I’m pertaining to is not the physical everyday to-do-things but of the real life itself. Yesterday was good, a while ago didn’t go my way. Now I am on a small room in front of a four-cornered 15.6” screen, pretending to understand life and how it goes, digging deeper where thoughts and words could meet. And this activity can happen again maybe tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day after two tomorrows. I will never know. Amazing, isn't it?! And the same goes with life. Struggles after struggles. Giants after giants.

You may think I’m crazy. And your thoughts are REALLY none of my business. I just want to express what’s inside of me right now (since I misplaced my scratch-like green journal). I would also like to know if I am normal (that is when someone can relate to these writings). I have no one to talk but GOD and myself. HE knows me and my thought and my tomorrow. Maybe now I am down yet HE holds me firmly.

Maybe now I am down but this I have felt before…many times. And many more times, I am lifted, happy, victorious. Well, this feeling should never surprise me. It will eventually passed. I just have to remind myself. Things may not go the way I want it but I believe it’s going the way GOD wants it.  HIS plans cannot be thwarted. HIS intentions cannot be shaken (Psalm 33:11). So should I.

My life is a wheel, not of fortunes, but of GOD’s great love.

Trials produces a more stable faith.

Loneliness is to prove that in GOD is the fullness of joy, overflowing.

Unless my life is all about me, then it’s all up to me. Since my life is all about HIM, then it’s all up to HIM.

Life sucks and can take you by surprise bringing you disappointments. It is a wearisome routine, a never-ending cycle, a continuous ups and downs. This is life not acknowledging GOD and HIS power and HIS sovereignty and HIS great love for mankind.

But life with GOD? Try it. And you’ll be drowned, not with the raging flood of fear, bitterness, inequity and condemnation.

You will be drowned in HIS calm ocean of love, peace, joy, serenity, blessings, a never-ending grace and mercy.

HE makes me glad. HE is singing over me every moment I am down. HE loves to sing over you too. (Zephaniah 3:17)





Monday, November 3, 2014

Comparing: Better or Bitter?

Comparison. Girls? We don’t like that word. I guess the gals too. More often than not, we people who live in this fallen world, compare ourselves to other regarding our skills, talent, personality, gadgets and every other stuff that can be compared of. Hence, it’s either we become jealous, discouraged, inferior or we can become boastful, superior. There could be unstoppable desiring of the things we don’t have and when we can’t have it, we become disappointed, depressed, discontented.

Comparing? Inevitable it is. And so were the consequences.

The good thing is that we can still compare in a better way thereby producing better results. How we are supposed to that?

Reading Exodus 3, the burning bush experience of Moses, we can see that HE is just STARTing to know GOD. When GOD called him, HE is so afraid that he hid his face from HIM. The after-verses depicts Moses as a what-if-man, dispirited and pessimistic. He says he can’t speak, neither become the lead. Yet after 30 chapters of the Book of Exodus, in chapter 33, HE is the exact opposite.

What did he do? Nothing.

What did GOD do? Everything.

You see, as we encounter our Creator, we’d be different. He introduces HIMSELF to us as we continue our walk with HIM. The 40-year journey of Israelite to the Promised Land revealed GOD’s character unto HIS people. The journey draw Moses to be closer to HIM each day as HE ask for guidance and listen to HIS commands. It is the same with ours today. If we just continue our journey with GOD, we will eventually get to know GOD. If we just draw to HIM closer each day, our desires are changed. HE becomes our satisfaction. Our desire becomes HIS glory.

So let us go on comparing—comparing our present selves to yesterday’s. Are there any character improvements? What are we desiring yesterday? How about today?

If we diligently seek HIM every moment, a time will definitely come when we’ll hear HIM that HE’s pleased with us and HE’s willing to give anything we could asked HIM. Amazingly, we will not request for beauty, fame, riches nor our present situation be changed. We will ask for HIM.

We will be like a child pleading for his father.

We will request this one thing.

We will utter this words upon HIM.

“Show me YOU.”

“Just a glimpse of YOU, please?”

“I wanna see YOU, dwell in YOU all the days of my life and just worship YOU and be with YOU forever.”

These are the amazing phrases GOD would love to hear and HE loves to grant.

And HE is really most pleased when we are most satisfied in HIM as John Piper quoted.

HIS presence would be enough.

HIS promises would be enough.

HIS love would always be enough.

Fullness. It is in HIM. It is HIM. It is drawing closer each day to our Father who ultimately cares for us and is crazy in love with us. It is in JESUS who came for us to have a full life. It is in Spirit who leads us and changes us from glory to glory.

GOD wants your heart not your performance.

He wants you more than your achievements.

HE’s hurt when you are hurting.

HE cares when you are aching.

You just have to run to HIM. HE will welcome you with HIS arms wide open.

HE is offering HIS embrace.

HE sees you as you are.

HE loves you as are.

And HE compares not.


modernsopher.tumblr.com




Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Some Ecclesiastic View


Happiness.

Contentment.

Money.

Fame.

Good works.

Interconnected as they seem, yet patterned with view of the world.

Many people (I myself is not exempted) chase happiness. Who does want to be sad, right? Most of the time, people of this world live merely just for their happiness. Students go into schools and universities to earn a degree to have a job. Then after sometime, they work 8 hours a day plus extra hours (and extra hours) to get a big salary. Others work to impress other people, especially their superiors to be promoted to higher position with a higher salary. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THOSE. Yet, there will be no end for the longing. People are always wanting for more. No contentment. No lasting happiness.

When you read the Book of Ecclesiastes, you’ll find there King Solomon’s descriptive word for everything—meaningless. He is a king who’s so wise and experienced everything: wealth, fame, people, everything. He even tried the bad side of life: wine, mistress and madness. Yet after all these, he said that everything was meaningless. Our fame, wealth, achievements and everything else are meaningless. Am I making a point here? Well, those things were temporary. Those things give us happiness but just for a short period of time. Our deeds? Those too won’t be remembered a hundred of years from now (maybe if you’re in the historical line of someone famous like kings, prince and princesses or really did an astonishing act in your time… that would have a chance to be remembered). But for ordinary man living on earth? I think it’s a no.

Just imagine a rope infinitely long. You cannot see it ends and you are holding the other tip. Three inches from that tip is your life here on earth, and from the 3-inch end boundary up to the infinity is the afterlife, where will you focus? Most of the people were too preoccupied with that three-inch part not thinking of the infinite part to come. Right? You see, I’m not that old to say these things. Yet, what I want to do, I cannot do, just like apostle Paul. The world unconsciously drags me away from these truth. The world load me with worries and doubts and fears instead of trust and faith and love for the Creator. The world gets my time. I do things on my way, not even thinking God who has breathed life to me.

Ponder.

Why would people are so consumed with things of the world that are fleeting when there’s a life that is eternal? Nothing is bad in having the things we want: fashion, travel, gadgets and many more. Nothing is wrong about getting rich. Nothing is wrong in eating, drinking and partying. Nothing is wrong if there’s no GOD who will judge us in the end as the wise teacher includes in Ecclesiastes 11:9

Your fame, wealth, achievements, everything will soon be gone. Mine too. If everything is meaningless, what’s the point of still living now? What’s the point of toiling around if happiness is temporary?


There is. A lasting joy exist. Yet it cannot be acquired not by your own effort works but by grace. Only GOD can fill that hole in your heart that searches for happiness. HE has designed that, that emptiness you feel even you have what you want. He has designed that for you know HIM and for HIM to fill it. No matter what you do or what you acquire, at the end of the day, it’s still GOD who made you. HE knows your purpose for HE is your Creator. And when you get to know HIM, He’ll show you the way to that true and undying happiness—by giving HIM glory through fulfilling what HE has called you to do.

Friday, February 21, 2014

February Agony

Love month.
My mind's away, drifting.
My heart is breaking.

My heart is breaking not because I am single and I don’t have a date.
My heart is breaking not because I didn’t receive any bouquet of flowers or bars of chocolates.
My heart is breaking upon witnessing a mother talking to her sleeping-like lifeless daughter.
My heart is breaking because I am woman, a daughter and if God permits in the future, a mother too.

This picture awakens me. This scene reminded me of not just how precious life is but of how short it is.

My almost one hour conversation with that family a while ago is full of memories from a two-year old little girl who’s life happens to be now in perfect peace. Her mom talks and talks a lot about her. I can see in her eyes her longing. I can observe how her stories about the child put a slight glow on her face. I can hear the agony in her heart as she embraced me with tears.

I was left speechless, teary and wandering.

Pondering about this thing made me realized so many things. It made me ask myself some sort of questions I’ve never asked myself before such as:
  •      What’s the purpose of my existence?
  •      When will my life end?
  •            How will people react when I’m gone?
  •      What stories am I gonna leave behind? Is it inspiring? Life-touching?
After these selfish thoughts are the realization of how I am making my time count here on earth. Am I making the most out of my life—life with the people who loves me? Am I treasuring them as if it’s my last time with them? Am I leaving them a worth-sharing memory? How will I act when one of my beloved passed away? Are they gonna be thankful for my life?

Just like in the well-known book of Rick Warren, I asked myself “What on earth am I here for?” Am I living in the center of the Creator’s will? Am I serving Him with all my heart and soul and mind and strength? How am I using this God-breathed body? What am I contributing in line with His Son’s purpose? Is there anything I’ve done or I am doing to make Him more famous? Am I putting a smile on His face? Is He proud of me?

This little child is indeed a gift. I can still remember how she ignores me every Sunday afternoon service and yet manages to make me smile despite of that. I can still recall of how she looks like, wearing that red little dress I gave her last Christmas. I can still imagine her cute face and so-little hands that held my hand into her forehead back then. I can still somehow hear her small voice calling me “Ninang”.

“God has His own reason for everything that’s happening in our lives. All we have to do is trust Him and continue serving Him,” I just said to her mother and ended that "one day you'll meet again when He returns."

Thanks to her who left good memories. Thanks to her, she reminded me. Thanks for the legacy she left behind.

In all these, indeed God has a purpose. I pray that her family will stay on Him, still put their hope in Him. Because all things work together for good for those who love HIM (Romans 8:28).