Y?

It was this week that I wanted to write about so many things. Well, as for me, my emotions, my mood affect my feeling to write. When I'm in mood, I wrote about bliss and positive things and when I'm not? Then it's a "NO". As in my output is somehow pessimistic. And this night, I’ve already posted two of the many thoughts I wanted to put into words. Honestly, I can still remember them all, yet the feelings for those two notions remained, the others were not retained.

This night, I don’t know what I am feeling. I wanted to explode, to burst and yet I wanted to be quiet. I wanted to scream whispers. I wanted to shout quietly…very ironic of me. I’m not, once again, “emo” as people term it. I was just a normal individual who have senses in which the outlet are words. It’s true that no matter how loquacious you are, there are things you just can’t say or maybe there no words to express its degree. Frankly, I’m feeling unhappy. I’m thinking about this lately: Am I just happier a while ago or is there something that didn’t get my way? Am I acting fake a while ago or what? Am I crazy? Hopefully and truthfully, no!

I don’t know if someone feels what I am feeling now. It’s like there’s something that bothers me that I still can’t figure out. And it is just a normal day. Probably, I was exhausted physically, mentally or emotionally rather. I can’t say. I just wanted words to come out and unload the inner me.

Circle encircles the earth—flyleaf lyrics. Circle, never ending…never elevating. Things go repetitively. I should get used to those, to these I guess. Yet there still an element of me that yearns for hope, that one day God will wipe away the tears. And that the greatest hope I can contentedly have is in the life after the earthly life. Those who knew me will understand me. Those who are not, in time, they will. What makes me feel like this? It’s about kin and wholeness and my very own outlook.

Tomorrow will be another day. There are always tomorrow.

been thinking about EXPECTATIONS...

Expectations. I wanna tackle about “expectations.” What is the reason behind this topic? What’s so controversial about it? It’s a gift! As I wish, it is a gift. It is what the people around are freely giving me. Are those expectations really for free?

I think it was last week when I managed to answer some sort of questions concerning about my college life. I was asked by a nearby family friend together with her daughter. Since we are somehow like neighbors, they do know me and of course had a hint of my academic life.

Her daughter, Camille, is now in her junior year in high school. From my evaluation, she is serious in her studies, really diligent. She still belongs to the known Science section of the school which I graduated from. Plus, she gets along to have high grades and be with the overall top twenty every grading period. She was just like the old me! (Grins.) well her mother asked me if I have a review center back then, if I took the UPCAT and what courses are easy and “in” nowadays. Camille asked how I ended up being in the college of engineering. Well then, I shared some points and few stories of 5W’s and H. Wanna know my reply to her mother? “None,” “ o,” “  can’t say…” are the answers to the mother’s questions above, respectively. Then we just exchange various notions about other related things. What struck me during our conversation (between the mother and I) is what she said, “Buti ikaw matalino…” then said to her daughter “Gayahin mo si ate Shary, masipag mag-aral, matalino...” It was like the inner me revolted when I heard those group of words. She also checked my academic status these days by asking, “Balita ko nasa top ka din ah, easy lang sayo ang course mo…” WHAAAAT??!! It did blew up my mind, not only my mind…I mean the whole me that momentarily I became speechless! First, she gave me a flattering remark that I was like a brainiac. Okay. Then she let me be a guide, a role model to her daughter in terms of studying acts. There is nothing wrong with these things but… I don’t know! And checking on my acad stats? Woah! Where in the WWW (whole wide world) she got that news or is it just her idea that I belonged to the upper percentage academically? Those words really brought me, in engineering terms a “force over area.” And it didn’t end in that dialogue. After I defended myself (that it was not like that, that I was just a normal student striving hard to maintain her scholarship and a person struggling to have a balance life, that it’s not easy as they thought  that it’s not…blah-blah-blah..), she added “…kaunting panahon na lang naman, pag-graduate mo, isang take mo lang ng board, pipirma ka na lang..” Until now I still remember the very words she said and what she’s trying to imply marked my mind. She surely didn’t know a thing—what it feels like hearing those unjustified compliments. Guess what? She’s not the only one who asked me like that.

That parent is just one of those persons who view me a role model to the youth in our community. There were many of them that I every time I go home, persons of familiar faces asks me, checks me over and over again and when I just smile at them or answer them positively, they’ll put up compliments and accolades for me. Once more, there’s nothing wrong with those but repeatedly and too much of those? It’s not good, really, not good. It’s causing me too much “force over area” or simply PRESSURE in engineering terms. Unconsciously, I asked myself’ “Ako lang kaya ang nakaka-feel ng ganito or my iba pang katulad ko?” Is there anybody out there who feels the same with expectations? (Sighs.) It’s too much pressure that I don’t know if I should be perfect because it’s like their eyes are always upon me. May I fail? May I make a mistake? For a week, the word “expectation” did trouble me.

Yes. I accepted it already. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force them to stop those talks. I can’t complain and even though I could, I won’t. For some time, I wish I was not controversial, that I was just a nobody to everybody. But then again, I’m here. What am I gonna do? Look at life positively. Look at expectations as a launcher. View those flattering and unjustified remarks as a plunger which will push to excel more, a force that will press me to do the “must” things. Use those as reminder to my priorities. Yet, one thing will remain. I will still be me. I won’t let people dictate or mold me into a new me without bliss. I will not let my true self be forgotten. I would rather be shaped by God and what he wants me to be because I know He knows the best and He wants the best for me and that He’ll help me reach that best. No matter what your comments are, I trust Him. I am certain that whenever I’ll fall, He will catch me.

Appreciating Immaturity

''If they were just to realize…'' as I said to myself.

March 1, 2013. I’ve witnessed a grade school party, a post-valentine party which was like a high school promenade. And I can say that I have a few comments about that event.

First and foremost, Philippines is not poor. There are many little girls, well I think almost all of them, who wore pretty and costly gowns—gowns of different color, texture and fluffiness. The little boys are also at their best vests and suits with matching naughty hairstyles. Second? The parents who are full of effort on being like somewhat PA’s (personal alalays) of their prettiest and handsomest child in the whole wide universe, parents who are much more excited to dance than their children, parents who manages to smile for their children in the middle of  scorching heat. Third and the last thing I've observe and want to elaborate is the little girls who didn’t act like their age.

They didn’t act their age not in the manner that they are acting childish because they were, still, children. They didn’t act their age because they act like mature one especially the girls. They act like they are teenagers. They are much more concern about their appearances—the make-up, the jewelries, the dress. In the manner they eat, everyone can see their finesse, which is not wrong of course.

What am I complaining? None. I’m not feeling envy.

The girls… They act like they’re teens, mature enough to handle things.

Thinking about that, I saw myself years ago. I watch those kids, those girls as if I’m watching myself. During those times, I wanted the time to pass by quickly so that I can be at the right age. Then my guardians could allow me to do the things I wanted to do. Then I would be able to decide for myself, and then I would, finally, be happy. And that’s what I thought.

                                                                               

Good for me, time didn't go by fast. As I grow, I realized that right things come in place when you learn how to wait. And deciding? It’s hard, for every choice has its respective outcome. Yes, there maybe regrets. I can say that I didn't live my life grade school life to its full, enjoying things such as playing, having intimate group of friends—living a youngster life without worries, without problems, without anxiety. I should have enjoyed those times. But still, I’m thankful that I have come to think and realize of these thoughts I’m writing now. If I were not, then I don’t have anything to write, to observe to notice, and to comment about. Well, seriously, if I were not, I wouldn't have learned. I wouldn't have anything to share with kids to enjoy every time they had. I wouldn't have comprehended playful and mischievous kids around me.

For now, I appreciate the time I have for it can never be turn back, once passed. It can never be bought nor be created .it can only be used efficiently—not having regrets. Things come perfectly when there’s patience. This time is appropriate for my priorities: God, family, ministry and studies. God knows my need and I know He’ll give me what I deserve at the perfect time.

I hope these girls and boys enjoy their early days. I anticipate that these kids, in their upbringing, do what they want and just be themselves. They don’t have to be too excited with the future that they’re acting like mature individuals. They have to learn how to breathe. They gotta learn how to pray quietly, to cry when necessary, to laugh uncontrollably and to live with bliss till infinity.

“Now, I realized…” as I said to myself.